Notes from a Dirty Old Gardener: Soil and the Stink of Life
When it comes to organic, regenerative, living soil, there has been a conga line of better-versed and knowledgeable contributors than I. Do you need ten ways to balance your soil PH? Search the magazine’s website and wait for the avalanche of info to be launched in your direction. Do you need 101 ways to launch an assault on a garden pest of any size and valour? Search it and thank me later. That being said, this is “Notes from a Dirty Old Gardener,” so allow me to drag this publication into the literary gutter for a moment where I thrive.
The Stink of Life
Do you want healthy soil? First things first: If it doesn’t stink, you need to re-think.
If the stank ain’t flowing, the plants aren’t growing. If it isn’t permeating, we aren’t germinating. You get the picture; much like James Brown, we need some funk to survive.
From the sludge at the bottom of your compost bin to the dookie from a furry friend, it will all help the soil stay rich like a suburban housewife. You ever drive through the country and have a sheep’s ass hit you square in the face? They aren’t spraying that poop smoothie around for the simple pleasure of it. That sweet slurry keeps crops growing in the same spot year in and year out. It’s a fact of life that nutrient-rich matter smells like gym class. Why? That’s a question for one of our more “sciency” writers.
“But Uncle Regi, does it always have to be so stinky?” Many products and household remedies have a pleasant odour or no smell. Again, head to our bloody website and stumble on some of the most well-curated articles to answer your questions. Leave your guessing to your neighbours. Scratch that, tell them about us, too. I have heard tales of people using everything from coffee grounds to molasses and even their own urine. What kind of sick individual would use his… I mean, “their” own urine to enrich the soil? You guessed it, Uncle Regi. While biomatter is typically stinky, bone meal has a relatively neutral smell and is widely employed to keep the dirt chugging along. Worm castings have that pleasant hamster cage smell. That blue nitrogen supplement you see in everyone’s arsenal has zero smell, which surprises me because it looks like you can use it to wake up a UFC fighter. Keeping soil balanced is an art and a science; be sure to tread carefully, respect dosages, and keep your eyes peeled for things you may cause by overdoing, such as excessive leaf growth, leggy stems, and late flowering. Your leaves may start clawing and go brown. So chill with the piss-to-water ratio; take it from me.
The Underground Network
You don’t have to dig too deep (forgive the pun) to learn that I am a massive fan of mycelium and mushrooms. Whether ingesting them for culinary purposes or popping them recreationally, I love them. I like to sit back with a portobello burger and a gram or two of legally sourced funny fungus and enjoy the landscape. Even if you are not a fan of either, you have to bow down and show some respect because if you see mushrooms growing on your property, garden, or grow bag, it’s a sure-fire indicator that you have some healthy and robust soil. What now? Like any great painting nearing an end, just stop touching it, or you will ruin everything. You have a pleasant little ecosystem cooking there. Do what my better half tells me: “Just sit back and thank your lucky stars you got so damn lucky.” The better half is also trying to convince me to buy a farm, so keep your eyes peeled for articles about me balls-deep in debt trying to correct the garden layout. I’ll be checking the soil before buying; if the real estate agent catches me taking a piss outside, I’ll say I’m just ‘regenerating’. I’ll ask follow-up questions about where the mushrooms are usually located. A little piece of friendly advice: don’t eat wild mushrooms all willy-nilly. About 90% are OK to consume, but the other 10% will put you in the hospital faster than a chainsaw accident. Buy a book, ask a neighbour, and be cautious. Liability averted.
Know Your Dirt
Sometimes, it’s not about what you add or take away from the soil but what you need to do to it. A densely compacted soil will not be optimum for accepting and absorbing anything. Get your boots on and aerate that soil; toss, flip, and reverse it. If your spot looks like a dried-out desert, it will produce like one. If you aren’t retaining moisture, plant shade trees to modify things. Try and find balance. Sometimes, I just go out there and talk to the dirt, but that’s usually on days when I take funny fungus. The neighbours have asked that I only talk to my own dirt.
This whole concept of organic, regenerative, living soil means returning what you take out when necessary. Land that experiences a diminishing return will eventually go baron. If you don’t start tossing some shit around like an angry chimpanzee once and a while, you won’t be eating very well. That last sentence is senseless without the rest of the article as context. I need a raise. I sound like a hippy sometimes, but healthy soil is circular. Death brings life, poop brings flowers, and like any relationship, if all you do is take, you are going to wear everything out. I am not saying you need to pee on your partner, you silly goose, unless that’s your thing (in which case, do it in the garden). Two birds, one fetish and/or stone. You can have a rigid yearly regimen of soil enrichment, or you can be the kind to throw food scraps in the garden. Every little bit helps, and your soil will say thank you. Sometimes with a bounty and sometimes with just enough fruit to not make you feel like a failure in the garden.
Gotta Go!
Alright, my little bean sprouts, me and my better half are off to crap in the snow. We are investing not only in property but also in the soil’s future health. We hold hands and squat face to face, stare into each other’s eyes and let the fertiliser flow in a cascade of brown love. Annnnnnnnnnnnnd I’m fired. Happy gardening.
