Weed Strains Suited for World Leaders

Economic crises, famine, pandemics, racism, disinformation, terrorism, and war: our leaders have faced these problems and caused more than a few, too. But what we are really interested in is what kind of cannabis characterizes the people at the top of the power pyramid. And these folks definitely deserve to be laughed at, so I’m not even sorry for what I’m about to say. If you’re offended easily or a die-hard supporter of any politician, aside from feeling a little pity for your naivety, I recommend you find something else to read. For everyone else enjoy the ride.

Joe Biden: OG Kush

They don’t call him “Sleepy Joe” for nothing and just like OG Kush, he definitely has a certain narcotic charm. You don’t really feel concerned that this guy will start World War Three mostly because the energy is just not there. And just like a heavy OG Kush session, too much Joe will confuse you and wear you out. It’s also a big favorite with minorities and popular amongst the Irish. At the end of the day both OG Kush and Joe are old school and not the force they used to be. I’d still stuff ballots in their favor, though, whether it was a vote for the best Kush or the president.

Angela Merkel: Northern Lights

Rock solid, consistent, and no nasty surprises. Neither Angie nor Northern Lights are the most exciting. They never promise more than they can deliver and rarely disappoint. In uncertain times or interesting times for that matter you need sensible sensimilla. They rose to prominence in the early 90s and haven’t really changed all that much. Sure, there are all kinds of flashy alternatives to dabble with, but you’ll always come back to the strain you know will produce the big buds.

Boris Johnson: Exodus Cheese

They stink. Exodus Cheese in a good way and Boris in a foul, malodorous fashion. There are all kinds of rumors how the conservative Skunk #1 transformed into the Cheese, but nobody really knows how it happened. Genuine Exodus Cheese, like Boris, is pretty elitist: a clone only, one of a kind mutant phenotype of unknown origin.

(Read also: The 10 Coolest Names for Cannabis Strains)

Justin Trudeau: Strawberry Cough

Kind of sweet and fruity but lacking the necessary potency. Both have plenty of bag appeal and smell pretty decent. Works well in all kinds of hybrid coalitions and nobody has a bad word to say about either of them. I’ll take mediocre over a dangerous nutter any day. Not the best, not the worst. Nuff said.

Vladimir Putin: White Russian

At one time considered the strongest strain in the world and still remains a sensimilla Superpower. For the uninitiated it’s easy to underestimate White Russian. You might feel happy and chilled with your first spliff. But if you go too deep too soon, you could find yourself bang in trouble when the creeping, couch-locking high takes hold. Either one could overwhelm you when you least expect it. Exercise extreme caution.

Jacinda Ardern: Super Lemon Haze

Powerfully uplifting and made of the right stuff. These lovely ladies never fail to impress. Breathe in a zesty lung full of feel good magic. The strain will open your consciousness to new higher levels and the New Zealand Prime Minister absolutely takes care of business. Both are class acts all the way. We need more weed and women like them in the world.

Eamon Ryan: Ditch Weed

The gaff-prone Irish Green Party leader sucks. This guy is ditch weed. Looks like the genuine green article but on closer inspection turns out to be worthless hemp. You couldn’t pay anyone to toke what he is peddling. Boring, unimaginative, and will never get you high. Even though he has squirreled his way into government, he has done virtually nothing to advance a green agenda in Ireland and routinely shoots himself in the foot almost every time a TV camera is on him. Yet people still vote for him.

Donald Trump: Trainwreck

How many of you thought I’d pick Agent Orange? Ha-ha, no, too obvious. I hoped by this stage the Donald would be laying low in Mar-a-Lago or prepping for a Fox News show, the working title was rumored to be “Swamp Things.” Fortunately, I won’t be moving to the top of the drone strike list by the end of this paragraph because he is a loser with no real power anymore. Dear Donnie, your one-term presidency was a Trainwreck, so this strain is a perfect fit. Unconventional, unruly, ugly, loud, grows peculiar just like your hair and causes ordinary decent growers all kinds of unnecessary problems. Even though it can be tremendously potent and productive when correctly managed, you never really can be sure of a big-league win or a devastating mold-ridden loss with a strain like Trainwreck. They both really need specialist care and plenty of attention.

(Read next: The Rare Cut: 8 of the Rarest Cannabis Strains)